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 Post subject: Is it ok for a guy to do this?Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:03 am 
Hypothetical question. I'd like answers from both guys and girls. Senario: A guy and a girl fall in love but due to unfortunate circumstances, they live 700 miles away from each other. They visit when they can but because of the distance it's only once every couple months until one of them can move closer to the other in a couple years. To make up for it they talk for hours on end several times a week. Because they can't technically be "together" they decide to not put a label on their relationship and say it's ok to go out and date other people and have fun, but they want to be honest with each other and agree that if they start to feel something with someone else that could seriously go somewhere, they tell the other person. One day, it's time for a visit and the guy drives the 700 miles to see the girl and they spend a few days together. He returns home and life goes on, they continue the phonecalls and the "I love you"'s but two weeks later the guy calls and says he's kissed someone else. "But don't worry, I didn't feel anything for her." It's true, he's keeping up his end of the bargain when it comes to being honest which is a good thing. However, he thinks he didn't do anything wrong and that because they aren't a labeled couple (because they both agree that they can't at this point in time) and how he interperated their agreement, he can love her but hook up with other girls when he wants. The girl is upset because he says he loves her but he kissed another girl anyway even though it didn't mean anything more than something physical to him. The guy expects her to be ok with this situation and any other "future-hooking-ups" and says she's overreacting. Was it ok for the guy to do this? Again, this is a hypothetical question [/sarcasm]. Nah, but I'm really interested in hearing your different points of view. 
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Last edited by chichen02 on Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:09 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:08 am
I'm gonna say it's wrong. But then you get into an issue of where to draw the line with what is "seeing other people." Which in turn creates another issue of getting as close the line as you can as much as you can while still not crossing it. For me, personally, I'd find it safer to just avoid the temptations of other hook-ups if I was committed enough to tolerate a 700-mile gap. _________________ Thistledown |
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Joined: 01 Mar 2005 | Posts: 4657 | Location: Melton Mowbray Pork Pie
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:11 am
If you are not in a committed relationship, I don't think talking for hours on end and saying I love you is such a good idea. That sort of sounds like a long distance relationship to me. If that was the case, I definitely don't think the boy should be dating other gals. But, if you are truly not in a relationship by any stretch of the word, then it shouldn't be a problem. I think you say you aren't in a romantic relationship, but the way you described the interaction between these two people makes it appear otherwise. _________________ EisleyForever wrote: you're A-list in my heart! MAKECOLDPLAYHISTORY |
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Joined: 20 Feb 2005 | Posts: 8868 | Location: Saturn, the Bringer of Old Age
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:14 am
Well, here's honesty: 1) It's denial that it's not anything. 2) "I love you"s do not belong in "unlabled" relationships. It pretty much labels it. 3) He is now trying to have his cake and eat it, too. And that's very clearly not working out for both parties. Time to end the honesty and relabel this, whatever that label happens to be. Methinks. _________________ My photography:www.jamiemphoto.com You can't spell awesome without emo...backwards! -Julie definingawesome (11:44:11 PM): Eisley shivers our timbers |
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Joined: 15 Aug 2003 | Posts: 25184 | Location: East Texas
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:17 am
Pretty much ditto on what everyone has said. I'd say 700 miles isn't good for a 'romantic' relationship no matter what it's labled. _________________ Soft sweet music makes me sleep, Calling my mind away... |
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Joined: 29 Jun 2005 | Posts: 261 | Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:24 am
it's wrong for the guy to do that, BUT the girl entered into the agreement that dating other people was ok. she has to be realistic and expect that the guy is actually going to do that... that said, i think they're both kidding themselves. if they really loved each other, they wouldn't date anybody else. they'd wait. that's just my personal opinion, though. _________________ Saellys wrote: Thank God for Arielle  all your kind, they're coming clean they shut their eyes their mess, their scene |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:26 am
What Arielle said ... Deadpoet wrote: Pretty much ditto on what everyone has said. I'd say 700 miles isn't good for a 'romantic' relationship no matter what it's labled. I think it can work, it just requires true and deep patience and honesty. And it can't last too long at that distance, and the gap has to have the promise of closing. _________________ My photography:www.jamiemphoto.com You can't spell awesome without emo...backwards! -Julie definingawesome (11:44:11 PM): Eisley shivers our timbers |
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Joined: 15 Aug 2003 | Posts: 25184 | Location: East Texas
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:26 am
Unfortunately, I have been in that situation (just 400 miles less if that makes a difference)... only my situation included him having sex. Personally, I don't think it's right. Needless to say, we don't even talk now. I'm just perfectly fine with that. I don't think I would even go back to talking to him even as friends. _________________ Be happy, be contagious. |
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005 | Posts: 2072 | Location: Florida
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:35 am
700 miles is a big stretch of land to have a relationship over. At the moment this just sounds like kids having an internet relationship and don't know what they're saying or doing. "it's ok to go out and date other people and have fun" It's only a kiss and it sounds like he's doing what was agreed. If this was a seriously relationship then I would of said it's a bad move but these two people see each other every couple of months, he's been honest with the girl and personally I don't think he really knows what love means. |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 5:43 am
Well, how is "seeing other people" defined if guy can't actually kiss othergirl? If both people stated that seeing other people would be okay and that the long distance relationship isn't actually a long distance relationship, then both people have to actually be okay with it. I have been in this situation on different sides--to some extent the guy's side, to full extent the girl's--and I definitely know that there is a gap between saying it's okay to date other people, and actually being okay with dating other people. You don't really realise that the gap exists until someone starts dating. I think it's rather dreamy to expect that two people can just wait for each other for two years, or however long it would take to move, and let other people who are right there, right then pass by. Wanting someone you can't have wears you down, even if you do "have" them in some form. I, personally, in that situation, would detach myself and tuck the love in a box on a shelf in a closet until it was time to take it out of storage. _________________ If the end of the world has proper noodles I'll probably be okay with it. |
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Post subject: Re: Is it ok for a guy to do this? Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:30 am
Well it seems to me that they're afraid of being alone and are trying to reserve each other in case something more convenient never happens. And no, I don't think it is "ok" for a guy to do that, mainly because of: chichen02 wrote: Senario: A guy and a girl fall in love End of story. I fail to see how that is the case if it's ok to try falling in love with someone else on the side. |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:45 am
yes, it's ok: The both of them entered into that relationship with the agreement that they could see other people. If a kiss is "seeing another person", then that counts. Then again, it depends on the type of kiss... peck on the cheeks? Full on french kiss? He was working with the agreement. However... no, it's not ok: She obviously loves him enough that there needs to be a re-evaluation of their relationship. Not accepting that he was in the grounds of the agreement they had suggests that she's more in love than previously thought. Further, if they're in love, then he kinda did go behind her back, even though he was honest. Personally, well, I trust my other half. I know that she's flirty (heck, she kissed me on the lips before we started seeing eachother...), but I trust her that she wouldn't actually do anything. 42ish miles is still a long way, especially if (at the moment) there's only one of you who can afford to travel in terms of time and money... That's all I can think of right now. yep yep. _________________ She is handsome, she is pretty, she is the girl from Belfast City, she is courtin' one two three, please won't you tell me who is she? TheClassicRomance wrote: Facebook is a dirty skank blog! |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:54 am
why even set up the agreement if you can't follow through with it? you would know if it was going to be upsetting so you label the relationship. He thought in all honesty that what he did wasn't wrong because he thought that the agreement they agreed upon was real and not a lie created by the girl in order to keep him from just giving up. the whole thing is silly anyway, if you love someone then you move mountains dammit |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:57 am
granpaturtle wrote: the whole thing is silly anyway, if you love someone then you move mountains dammit unless, of course, neither of you can afford to move... (unless you meant in some other sense that I didn't get...) _________________ She is handsome, she is pretty, she is the girl from Belfast City, she is courtin' one two three, please won't you tell me who is she? TheClassicRomance wrote: Facebook is a dirty skank blog! |
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:04 am
mad_sam_purple'ead wrote: granpaturtle wrote: the whole thing is silly anyway, if you love someone then you move mountains dammit unless, of course, neither of you can afford to move... (unless you meant in some other sense that I didn't get...) He means you push those mountains(obstacles, things keeping the relationship from reaching it's full potential) out of the way. _________________ Thistledown |
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